upate to retort

   

haven't posted in while let me update you in what has happened, well..... i've basically decide to move out from where i'm currently living, i've found a new place in a nice part of town, this all started when me and my friend Adam where talking about how his dad rent out the bottom floor of his home to tenants, we then got on to how he he has a big basement that know one uses so knowing this i went out of my way to ask his dad if he would rent out basement to me, thankfully he agreed and decided on a cheap price for me to rent it out.     He decided to rent it out to me for 80 pounds a week, this a good deal as he lives in quite an upstate area, everyone else that rents out places pays round about 150 pounds a week. the first problem was the money, lucky for me Adams brother has offered to recommend me at the apple store, he says that they pay high retail wages, i worked out that it would be about 9 pound an hour.    Now comes the sadly predictable a clichce part, ''female siblings'', when i say that when i saw her i was kind breathless briefly i'm not joking, but of coarse she doesn't go out with guys like me, the most crushing part was probably when she phoned at 11 PM while i was in Adams room asking us to hide the dog because 'she was bringing someone round' this turned out to be a guy. then in the after noon she hid the dog again this time i was on the balcony, all i could do was watch in horror as they both left to go to the train station, they were were holding hands as they left not before of coarse the kiss on the door step, to be honest i should of got the message this morning when she came into the kitchen in a long silk night dress.    Well i guess guess it just another point to the tall blue eyed blond guy who's life has run perfectly, they should shoot people with chizzled chins, in conclusion fuck everything.

the mary poppins effect/ memory dump

some time i wish i could just write a list of specs on paper and throw it into fire and have it float away and find me the perfect women. i dunno i dunt really ask for much tbo. youd think that people would be looking for a sensertive,open kinda guy.well you know nice guys finish last, i just had a flash back of me sitting in my bed as a kid watching the mask:> it made me smile. anyways back to the point i need someone simerler to me in many ways but then so so different in others, alot of the girls these days are idiots, i have a high respect for women but some women deserve to be sterio typed and guys reading this will know what i mean, i need a talkative person who lie shareing, i cannot stress that point more, being loney sucks esspiecaly if it can be avoided easy;that makes it worse. she has to have an imaginetion and common sence, i find my self not sleeping for days sometime when im just thining of stuff, sometime i wish i could turn my brain off it always on hyper mode, im always eather upsetting myself or screing my self these days, i guess it has its  up sides like creativity. i dunt think it sohuld be possible to imagine something so strongly that it mine aswell be real evan though that would push it over the edge. i sorround myself with nice and comforting things to look at so that my brain doesnt deside to ahve a fit when i have nothing to do.i need to think of something great. ifeel like a chess player when it comes to chosing thing, the other day i spent 5 minutes desideing what sandwich to chose infront of the freezer. i want someone to share my mind with if knowone else not evan one person knows about what im thinking and i havent evan said it to anyone does it mean i might as well not as thought it as it cant be comfirmed to of evan been there in the first place. i miss meaningful hugs.i love the part just alfter you wake up and your brains in soft mode and you hug the person next to you. most rewarding hug ever.also miss having someone to exist with in my spare time lol cos thats basicly what i do.

dream log #1;end of the world as we know it.

   last night i had a dream that the world ended, but it wasn't a night mare. the basic out line is that aliens attacked suddenly and destroyed all out technology. the sky turned a deep purple or blue and a deep feeling came upon me;like when your about to fall of a chair.
   then all of a sudden white orb descended from the sky a proceeded to crash into the buildings but not before i realized that all my family were probably dead. as these white obs crashed into the buildings all surrounding technology exploded and short circuited. thousands of these orbs came from the sky;before i knew it all civilization was reduced to the stone age, the dream then flash slightly further into the future and we were all enslaved but the aliens, it was quite weird and reminded me of mad max crossed with Egyptian slaves building a pyramid.
   the only part that pissed me off was at some point my ex girl Friend was on the scene with some guy; he had a beard. it was upsetting because she was being really "lovey" with him, she fed me some story that they were put together during the first attack and that ever since then they be really close. strangely when everything was exploding i thought about my ipod lol. then i woke up to my mate ringing me on my phone.
   i get stressed out because i have about 3-4 dreams every morning;i wake up more tired than when i went to bed sometimes.

english eh. peh

  Note to self never bring back friends from the pub, i have learn my lesson. chose to bring back a mate John from the pub, he loves to ramble about his past achievements as he has an absence of current ones, took me 30 minutes to get him to leave it was annoying as he desired to pass wind for 4 seconds as he got up. will be cautious about inviting him round again, evan though we played some sega and it was aright;he's just too "pub-like".
  I think I mite be bi-polar after looking over yesterdays post. well ill just add that to list of things that could be possibly be wrong with me.

  I've also decided to take the blog 30 day challenge. i think it will be a good for my writing skills and brain if i wrote alot more, who knows maybe something good will come of it.

A loud screech.

  while waiting a had a thought; again, can't get rid of the fucking things, about the sound that my soul would be probably be making if you hooked it up somehow. I decided that it would be a very hi pitch screech, from the fuck dire distress my soul is in. I don't think soul food is going to cut it this time, I'm am so fucking unhappy with the way things are with me at the moment that I'm finding it hard to find the strength to march forward with this never ending crusade we call life, I'm sick of these trials and trebulations, these merry mishaps of show give a shit. It is going to have to stop or at least be lessened to point where it becomes background noise or... I guess I will do nothing about it.
   Also starting to gain a dislike the company of people to a point where id rather stay at home, it not a constant thing, it just phases in and out. I guess this is the beginning of me showing signs of a different type of agoraphobia that I cant name where you just stay inside because you prefer it. The only problem I find is that this feeling with me never lasts long and if I'm honest ill probably feel fine tomorrow; which leave me with the thought why bother writing about it, well because id like to catalogue these happenings and calculate there frequency so that i can prove to my self I'm not a bad person.
  On the other hand today was alright if you take out the self loathing/jealousy/hatred/why the fuck am I bothering walking on this fucking cursed planet:).
   Have a nice day don't let me sour it I'm just venting my poison thoughts out.

just a thought, the four walls

      just a thought; How much control do i really have over my environment if the parameters are  of my room; and also if the walls could speak or communicate, what would they say about me and how would they describe me as a person; as they have always seen me for who i am and i have never lied or been shy towards them.

     
I then thought maybe that's why we grow addicted to are rooms and dependant on our belongings; there basically all silent witness's, which i think we all need at some point to help us rest out minds from people talking in our faces.

inspiration. Quaint am i?

A few days ago I saw someone's Blog and it inspired me to make a Blog and a poem.

Quaint am I?

sometimes I feel that struggle is essential;
to what we call consuming our human potential,
at times I find that my mind is a contraption;
often reaching a point of cataclysmic reaction,
oh why I ask must it be the latter;
often you'll find time, will make you the fatter,
if not to primitively break a fall;
how will we cope with it all in all,
the difference between us is often quite faint;
tell me why I am the one you find so quaint,
you act like I am the one who wont do;
dismay and terror, the obvious is most often true.